Friday, April 17, 2009

Voices from the past...

Hello dear friends!

I hope you are well and have had a great week. I had a surprise this week; a message from a family member I've not had a relationship with for more than 10 years. Isn't it amazing how so much time can pass and whether right or wrong we just let people go sometimes.

He and I had a falling out; one that probably isn't too uncommon but that I just couldn't let go of for so long. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was too prideful, maybe I was a *itch. Whatever the case, now it feels as if too much time has passed. Has it? Can we ever truly start again when we know the very worst of each other?

I'm no longer angry, I am ashamed of some of the things I've said but I don't regret them. I just don't know that I miss the man he is...but I do miss the man he was. I miss the man that built me a dollhouse, held my hand, told me I was pretty even when I had that awful haircut in 7th grade. I miss the man from my childhood. I don't know the man he became and I'm scared I won't like him. What if he's not superman anymore?

10 years since we've truly spoken and 8 years of a very strained relationship prior to that. I had to learn so much on my own. I had to become the protector of Mom, the one with the broad shoulders, the one that would kick ass and the one that could fix everything. I became so pre-occupied with survival that I forgot about life. That is until my beau reminded me, till we lost loved ones and till I nearly lost Mom.

Given close to 18 years of making it on my there a point in re-establishing a relationship with someone from my past? Do I need this relationship? Can my heart handle this relationship? Will I be hurt again? Will I become the person I don't like again?

So, he wrote after surviving the tornado that hit Murfreesboro on Good Friday. Evidently the tornado came down his street and just missed his house. He then spoke about mistakes and forgiveness and how fearful he was of dying in that tornado. He spoke of his love for me and Mom.

I can't stop crying but I don't know why. I haven't anything to say to him. I would never want him to see me crying and weak like I feel right now. I don't know that my life would be any better if he were in it. I don't know that his life would be better with me in it. I don't know that knowing each other today will make up for the time lost and I don't know that there's a need to know each other tomorrow. I don't know that having him in my life will be good for Mom. She lost so much, should she have to be reminded?

Is it possible that's just too late?

1 comment:

  1. Jennie,
    So sorry to see you struggling through this dilemma. I never had a good relationship with my Dad. He disappointed me so many times when I was young. His relationship with my Mom was strained, to say the least. After my Mom passed away at age 48, I resented him even more. I blamed him for her getting sick. But one day, I sort of woke up and decided to stop thinking about how many people he disappointed. I stopped thinking of him as my Father, and started to think of him as just a man with many faults. I then was able to accept him as a person, before allowing myself to eventually regain him as a Father figure again. You need to pray on it. Ask for help from above, and the right decision will then come to you. In the meantime, to cheer you up...pop on over to your page on LoveForVintage Network...I made another little digital image for you.